Now where were we, OK that's right after Mr Mp i was a high i felt like i had grown a little bit more and experienced a pleasure that made me think that, that's what i wanted in future lovers. Anyway that feeling soon wore off and i met another lovely guy however that didn't really go anyway and we never really saw each other just spoke mainly on the phone, but he has always stayed a good friend a person who i can confide in Mr Caring. I ended back with Mr educated as i always seem to do we seem to not fit together however we always end up together i don't know what it is, maybe its something in his back stroke lool but never less i ended up with him and this time i though I'm going to make a go of it and make it work.
A real relationship something I've never really experienced before or never stuck around long enough to experience. Mr educated a gent, strong, a leader amongst men however he does not have or show much empathy at times, every things black and white and in his corporate world its all about money money. I like his drive and desire but i never could see how i fit into his plans and if i ever will, was i always just gonna be that lush who stuck around or was i gonna be someone who he loved and adored. Plus he is a real mummy's boy to the point where it can be quite sickening maybe that's just the envious jealous side of me his desire to be with his mum at scheduled times all the time does do my head in. So i stuck it out nerveless always hoping he will just love and adore me, we even went on holiday and at one point i though i was gonna be with this man for the rest of my life then he buggered off as soon as we got back to be with his boys for weeks after so it just started to decline after that, the rows increased and my acid tongue became more acidic if possible but it did. I had throbbed off footballers, hottys and loser's but then my devotion to him started to spurn and love started to turn into hate and i began to despise him. Along came a Italian romeo who i had known along time however when your in love you don't realise how handsome other men are until your out of love. He paid me attention, told me what i wanna hear and he was different foreign but still urban, still down if you no what i mean. Hes an artist passionate about his work and his heritage his passionate about everything including me at the time lol. For once i didn't say i had a boyfriend when i could clearly see he was interested and we talked for weeks and text ed each other, he would come to my work place just to see me which i though was to cute, he took it there made me feel so special and number one. I wasn't interested in a long term relationship because i was already in one loool but just wanted to feel special and wanted again, you know those goose pimples you get that come up on your arm, or the shiver you get down your back and the pimples that come up between your inner thighs that's what he gave me, that's what made me feel warm and special. I eventually told him i had a boyfriend and he asked me what that meant, i laughed and said well that i have a boyfriend. He responded by saying "well can i trouble you"? and then the troubling began. The first time i went to see him, in his studio flat full of paintings, pictures and equipment i was slightly drunk surprise surprise and i climbed into his bed and passed out loool it was abit awkward in the morning but errm he saw the funny side of it. And it started from there a love affair full of romantic language, poetry and pictures. He is a very worldly and clued up about the world, we would sit and watch italian movies with subtitles and him translating when i couldn't keep up with subtitles lool. I know it sounds corny but but i didn't even need the sub titles when i'm with him i understood everything, kinda caught up i suppose loool. So obviously my relationship with Mr Educated started deteriorating the more time i spent with Mr italiano the more i realised Mr educated was not for me, even though i didn't want to be with Mr italiano properly. However part of me didn't want to let go of Mr educated it still doesn't i dont know if it's a comfort ting, i need to have to be with someone or just him, my comfort blanket, i made him the centre of my world Mr educated and when i didn't feel like the centre of his i started to resent him, feeling like that lush and dirty girl that i think he thinks iam. Instead of easing my pain Mr Italiano made me wake up and realise Mr Educated wasn't for me, but instead of bowing out gracefully and ending it nicely, i ripped into him looked for a fight and the acid tongue [mothers tongue] came out and boi did it rip. He is know longer talking me and i dont know how this is going to pan out.............We dont go without speaking to each other for longer then a day, to say i'm struggling isn't the word. I miss the friendship more than anything else.
Anyway in the mean time in between i diverted from Mr Italiano as i was getting a bit bored surprise surprise, we still talk but i believe the novelty has worn off. I then turned my attention to my other friend who had been showing keen interest for years, however i was with Mr educated and paid him no mind. Hes quite strange boarding school educated and from st Kitts, hes a social networking junkie and very nervous, literally forty year old virgin nervous. So i met up with him going to bars and stuff then month or so later we slep together, weird and pleasant experience, he is very nervous he makes me feel as though i'm a tiger and ready t pounce on him which makes me feel nervous. Very attentive lover, the for play lasted hours, [perhaps because he was scared loool] but he threw it down. I like him, hes different non threatening, likes to talk and listen. However since sleeping with him its gone quite and hes gone back to Mr timid [his new name lol]. One word txts and little innuendos leading to nothing, to be honest i cant be bothered to chase him and although his shy timidness is cute, its abit gay and worrying, i get bored easily and i can see history repeating itself with him. I know his going to start txting me regularly again blah blah but i need a man, not someone who's scared of his own shadow.
So i'm all alone right now a failed relationship which feels like a failed marriage, I'm drinking every week with the girls like years ago when i was a teenager but waking up Saturday morning feeling ruff instead of great. I've got an Italiano who i dont know what to do with, Mr Timid who's just strange and Mr Educated who hates me right now, which makes me feel really shit about myself. Mr Caring my confident who I've always constantly spoke to and who is the only man who listens, remembers and cheers me right up and breaks everything down to me. Mr caring is who i tell everything to and i get a male prospective from him on my crazy life, i met him before i met the Mp but nothing sexual ever occurred just a beautiful friendship. He has told me he wants to sleep with me we are open and honest about these things with each other, but I've blatantly told him i couldn't bare fucking up our relationship because our feelings got caught up and he agrees..........but theres this part of me that wants to get caught up with him but not just for sex but maybe something longing and special but it seems to complicated for what reasons i don't know. I told him i loved him today and he said he loved me back [as friends though] i was at the depths of despair and i txt him and he called me back straight away and cheered me up, broke everything down as he does and i felt so much better for it. That's why i appreciate him soooooo much and don't want to ruin it with sex oh the life of Leanora........................
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