The beginning

The Life of Leanora,

Well what does this mean?

From a child to an adult I've been on a journey and I've never documented it I've just lived it. Ive always listen to other peoples problems and involved my self in their lives rather then looking at my own. Why this is, is because my life hurts, if i look to deeply into it I'll start reaching for the vodka or getting on the phone txting a random looking for company if you know what i mean.

I'll start from the beginning and try not to bore you with how my child hood was loool [no tissue needed really].

I was born into a house hold where my mother was abandoned by her own mother as a child, my farther was married to another woman but deluded my mum into thinking he wasn't. Hence why i have many sibling of different races where we are born within a year of each other. Anyway my mum woke up left the abusive relationship and brought us up by herself. She was a strong woman with a ferocious tongue and iron hand to which i felt many a time. She didn't take any nonsense, and had regular emotional outburst which usually ending up with her losing her temper. She loved her children and brought us up the best she could, the emotional nurture wasn't there but we was fed and clothed even if it meant hiding our new clothes away from my new step dad because we couldn't afford them.

Anyway my mother died in my teens, i can’t say i was very upset, it was more of a relief then anything else the sicker she got the more bitter she became and the more i hid from her downstairs until i got the dread full call to come up stars to give her pills or make her something to eat.

After she died i felt so free, i had no parents to answer to and lost any contact with my real dad, my elder brother tried his best to bring us all up however he had his own stuff to deal with. I spent my teens drinking in parks, going with various different guys looking for love and cuddles and getting asked for a blowy instead. By the time i was 18 years old my friend suggested i go to university, i didn't understand it but filled out the form got into some university and tried my best bless me. I had experiences of lesbian friendships, jail bird men and drug dealers, i travelled to abandoned flats where drugs were being chopped up and distributed, and god only knows how I avoided getting raped or killed. I dabbled with smoking a bit of weed but alcohol was my main vice, it gave me confidence. By the time i reached my 2o's i managed to fuck up university gaining a third however i still went up on the stage and collected the honour, i cringe looking back now lol.

I was still very sociable and outgoing the failure didn't affect me as much at that time, i continue to deal with wasters and no hope rs still regularly seeing someone who i thought may offer me hope in the future throughout all the dregs and dealers. I once met up with someone who recently got out of jail for murder he had been in there for 9years from his teens, and even though i knew right from wrong and was not on any recreational drugs i still met with this guy and went to his house. He had an accident and was pulled over by the police as he was trying to get away from them because i was lost and couldn't find his house. Anyway when i got there he refused to acknowledge me, blaming me for him nearly getting nicked and injuring himself. He made me sleep on the floor that night, but i left through the middle of the night, something i have grown used to doing. That i remember was a low point for me i was working part time but had no aspiration for the future or hope and remember feeling very low and just wanting some love. I wouldn't turn to friends they saw me as a bubbly lively girl who was always up for fun, instead i turned to another looser. His name was warren he was a drug dealer who had recently got out of jail, he made me feel special, he felt i was educated a different from the other girls he had, i even met his granny lol. He started asking me to look after his weapons for him like his gun, but i wouldn't i guess that's why it didn't last lol. One day i was trying to look for his new flat he had moved into but i couldn't find it story of my life lool but it made him angry he marched outside the block in his dressing gown pulled me along shouting obscenities, when we got back to his place he grew even more angry and started waving a hammer at me, i was scared but luckily got him to calm down lol and we spent the afternoon with us getting high.

Warren soon disappeared once he knew i wasn't going to be his drugs mule or hide his weapons for him. I went through a period where i just went out, holidays with the girls and having fun. Throughout that time i still continue to see Mr educated i'll him, i would see him now and again he was a friend of a friend and pretty stable and normal especially compared to the others.

I then decided to make a conscious effort to stick to one guy and Mr educated seemed like that guy, he couldn't give me emotionally stability i never shared with him about my past but i do think he though i was a bit of a loud mouth lush lool.

Me and Mr educated got a little serious however i fell pregnant and he wasn’t very supportive, i grew slightly bitter towards him and felt like he didn’t want the baby with me because he thought i wasn’t good enough and wouldn’t fit into his educated family or lifestyle. I terminated the baby which was another trauma in its self they botched me up and couldn’t put me to sleep properly, i felt helpless as they pinned my down as legs started to kick out and the screams rained down i'll never forget that sucking noise and the long metal like hoover pole they insert in you to suck the baby, egg whatever you want to call it. Eventually i fell asleep the passed out one of the two. Experiences like this just make u stronger and more hardened to life’s cruel way of showing u its not all pink and fluffy. Anyway i got over it with a girly holiday where i met a lovely morocco boy who made me feel special without getting into my panties whilst i was away, however as the sun set and it was my last night i stupidly didnt bring my phone he didn’t have his, we had no pen or paper and his moped only had a small amount of petrol in it. We watched the sunset and said our goodbyes. And did see him again years later but i was a drunken mess and i think my lush behaviour put him off he never called. Me and Mr educated still kept in contact still saw each other but i became more hardened towards him and continued to look for mr right, caring and loving.

Another holiday later after i separated from mr educated some time later i met a politician (small time) he was running for mp or something along those lines in his area. On holiday he was a care free pill popping adventurer hence why he never wanted any pictures to be taken with him lool. By this time i felt more in control of my life and did not let men dictate to me, make me sleep on floors or wave hammers in my face lol. I felt like i ran the show and was in control; with Mr Mp we were both care free soles on the same sexual level however minus the pills for me. We went back to my hotel room and had amazing sex, he made me look in the mirror and look at myself and caressed. I had never been touched in a way like that, never made to feel like a real women who wasn’t just a sexual object to lay on and pump the good wood into me lool. Mr Mp and i didn’t exchange details i didn’t want to, i wanted to leave it as it was a holiday romance full of spear of the moment spontaneous fun. What he did make me realise was that i needed someone who was going to make me explore new horizons, make me feel like a new women, educate me and make sex connect with emotions and love.