mojo's cumin back which spells danger

Yesterday was ridiculous i spent most part of it in bed wallowing listening to the same songs over and over again it was almost like i was grieving for goodness sake. Eventually i manged to go to work in the late afternoon, working with the delinquents cheered me up and then i had a frank and honest conversation with my senior manger, she is like an older version of me but more extreme lol she was quite honest about her past and her sexual relationships which i found quite comforting. Anyways later that night Mr Educated phone me, he spoke softly telling me he had read my letter however he didn't understand all my behaviours this is his un empathetic side however we manged a pleasant conversation which flowed and was quite sweet, at one point it was like nothing had happened [which spells danger]. Mr Educated explained to me that he was extremely mad at me and he needed a couple of days to calm down however he could see this coming and new things were not working out. He then dropped a bombshell on me telling me he was leaving to go and work abroad for a few weeks for business and that he didn't want to go half way across the world and leave with bad feelings and without speaking to me. I thanked him for his openness and he asked if he can see me before i went so i said yeh, i have a feeling that its going to go back eventually to how it was, how it always goes, but i think i just want to be friends with him close friends and just see how it goes. Its the beginning of the week so we will see how it goes.
I've been thinking about Mr Caring constantly and talking to him on the phone, i've started having sexual thoughts and feelings about him and desires to get sexual i've always fancied him and there is a sexual chemistry however as i always say i dont want to mess up the friendship. Anyways i was speaking to him and i told him about my blog, he was intrigue by it and said he wanted to see however i told him that i didn't want him to see it and that it was a way of releasing stress and anxiety's about my life and very personal especially as it stuff written in it which was directly about him. We eventually compromised and decided that i would copy and paste extracts from it which i did, well i copied and pasted the whole thing and showed it to him lool. I didnt expect his reaction to be so shocked he dropped the line are all these events true when i said yes! He said wow! He then proceeded in his very sweet way of going through parts and telling me how far i had come and the good person that i had grown into which was sweet. The whole bits dedicated to him became quite awkward and embarrassing he wanted to know more, which i did explore a little bit, however it became so embarrassing as there was  a lot of 'lol' exchanged and that is how it ended really bit weird he wants to meet up tomorrow.....however we will see. I'm still extremely lost in translation, unsure of everything and as horny as hell lol but at least i feel like Ive come out of the dark and into the light. Mr Educated got in contact with me bless him looool so we will see and watch this space as i feel there is so much more to come in this 'Life of Leanora'.........

feels like my heart is officially broken

Feels like my heart is officially broken, i'm in bed and have been since last night, food cant tempt me to get out nor can the toilet lol. I hate this part right here. The realization that your relationship is over and your being ignored, Mr educated is know longer apart of my life and as much i started to despise him i still love him, i know it cant work but part of me wants to cling on, part of me doesn't want to be alone with my thoughts, it's the thoughts that drive you crazy, its the thoughts that hurt. Ive had Maxwell on repeat for 24 hours now, i know i need to get a grip but right now maybe i just need to allow myself to go through this pain. On the other side when i eventually get out of this, great things are to come.....................

Love and Basket Ball

Now where were we, OK that's right after Mr Mp i was a high i felt like i had grown a little bit more and experienced a pleasure that made me think that, that's what i wanted in future lovers. Anyway that feeling soon wore off and i met another lovely guy however that didn't really go anyway and we never really saw each other just spoke mainly on the phone, but he has always stayed a good friend a person who i can confide in Mr Caring. I ended back with Mr educated as i always seem to do we seem to not fit together however we always end up together i don't know what it is, maybe its something in his back stroke lool but never less i ended up with him and this time i though I'm going to make a go of it and make it work.
A real relationship something I've never really experienced before or never stuck around long enough to experience. Mr educated a gent, strong, a leader amongst men however he does not have or show much empathy at times, every things black and white and in his corporate world its all about money money. I like his drive and desire but i never could see how i fit into his plans and if i ever will, was i always just gonna be that lush who stuck around or was i gonna be someone who he loved and adored. Plus he is a real mummy's boy to the point where it can be quite sickening maybe that's just the envious jealous side of me his desire to be with his mum at scheduled times all the time does do my head in. So i stuck it out nerveless always hoping he will just love and adore me, we even went on holiday and at one point i though i was gonna be with this man for the rest of my life then he buggered off as soon as we got back to be with his boys for weeks after so it just started to decline after that, the rows increased and my acid tongue became more acidic if possible but it did. I had throbbed off footballers, hottys and loser's but then my devotion to him started to spurn and love started to turn into hate and i began to despise him. Along came a Italian romeo who i had known along time however when your in love you don't realise how handsome other men are until your out of love. He paid me attention, told me what i wanna hear and he was different foreign but still urban, still down if you no what i mean. Hes an artist passionate about his work and his heritage his passionate about everything including me at the time lol. For once i didn't say i had a boyfriend when i could clearly see he was interested and we talked for weeks and text ed each other, he would come to my work place just to see me which i though was to cute, he took it there made me feel so special and number one. I wasn't interested in a long term relationship because i was already in one loool but just wanted to feel special and wanted again, you know those goose pimples you get that come up on your arm, or the shiver you get down your back and the pimples that come up between your inner thighs that's what he gave me, that's what made me feel warm and special. I eventually told him i had a boyfriend and he asked me what that meant, i laughed and said well that i have a boyfriend. He responded by saying "well can i trouble you"? and then the troubling began. The first time i went to see him, in his studio flat full of paintings, pictures and equipment i was slightly drunk surprise surprise and i climbed into his bed and passed out loool it was abit awkward in the morning but errm he saw the funny side of it. And it started from there a love affair full of romantic language, poetry and pictures. He is a very worldly and clued up about the world, we would sit and watch italian movies with subtitles and him translating when i couldn't keep up with subtitles lool. I know it sounds corny but but i didn't even need the sub titles when i'm with him i understood everything, kinda caught up i suppose loool. So obviously my relationship with Mr Educated started deteriorating the more time i spent with Mr italiano the more i realised Mr educated was not for me, even though i didn't want to be with Mr italiano properly. However part of me didn't want to let go of Mr educated it still doesn't i dont know if it's a comfort ting, i need to have to be with someone or just him, my comfort blanket, i made him the centre of my world Mr educated and when i didn't feel like the centre of his i started to resent him, feeling like that lush and dirty girl that i think he thinks iam. Instead of easing my pain Mr Italiano made me wake up and realise Mr Educated wasn't for me, but instead of bowing out gracefully and ending it nicely, i ripped into him looked for a fight and the acid tongue [mothers tongue] came out and boi did it rip. He is know longer talking me and i dont know how this is going to pan out.............We dont go without speaking to each other for longer then a day, to say i'm struggling isn't the word. I miss the friendship more than anything else.
Anyway in the mean time in between i diverted from Mr Italiano as i was getting a bit bored surprise surprise, we still talk but i believe the novelty has worn off. I then turned my attention to my other friend who had been showing keen interest for years, however i was with Mr educated and paid him no mind. Hes quite strange boarding school educated and from st Kitts, hes a social networking junkie and very nervous, literally forty year old virgin nervous. So i met up with him going to bars and stuff then month or so later we slep together, weird and pleasant experience, he is very nervous he makes me feel as though i'm a tiger and ready t pounce on him which makes me feel nervous. Very attentive lover, the for play lasted hours, [perhaps because he was scared loool] but he threw it down. I like him, hes different non threatening, likes to talk and listen. However since sleeping with him its gone quite and hes gone back to Mr timid [his new name lol]. One word txts and little innuendos leading to nothing, to be honest i cant be bothered to chase him and although his shy timidness is cute, its abit gay and worrying, i get bored easily and i can see history repeating itself with him. I know his going to start txting me regularly again blah blah but i need a man, not someone who's scared of his own shadow.
So i'm all alone right now a failed relationship which feels like a failed marriage, I'm drinking every week with the girls like years ago when i was a teenager but waking up Saturday morning feeling ruff instead of great. I've got an Italiano who i dont know what to do with, Mr Timid who's just strange and Mr Educated who hates me right now, which makes me feel really shit about myself. Mr Caring my confident who I've always constantly spoke to and who is the only man who listens, remembers and cheers me right up and breaks everything down to me. Mr caring is who i tell everything to and i get a male prospective from him on my crazy life, i met him before i met the Mp but nothing sexual ever occurred just a beautiful friendship. He has told me he wants to sleep with me we are open and honest about these things with each other, but I've blatantly told him i couldn't bare fucking up our relationship because our feelings got caught up and he agrees..........but theres this part of me that wants to get caught up with him but not just for sex but maybe something longing and special but it seems to complicated for what reasons i don't know. I told him i loved him today and he said he loved me back [as friends though] i was at the depths of despair and i txt him and he called me back straight away and cheered me up, broke everything down as he does and i felt so much better for it. That's why i appreciate him soooooo much and don't want to ruin it with sex oh the life of Leanora........................

The beginning

The Life of Leanora,

Well what does this mean?

From a child to an adult I've been on a journey and I've never documented it I've just lived it. Ive always listen to other peoples problems and involved my self in their lives rather then looking at my own. Why this is, is because my life hurts, if i look to deeply into it I'll start reaching for the vodka or getting on the phone txting a random looking for company if you know what i mean.

I'll start from the beginning and try not to bore you with how my child hood was loool [no tissue needed really].

I was born into a house hold where my mother was abandoned by her own mother as a child, my farther was married to another woman but deluded my mum into thinking he wasn't. Hence why i have many sibling of different races where we are born within a year of each other. Anyway my mum woke up left the abusive relationship and brought us up by herself. She was a strong woman with a ferocious tongue and iron hand to which i felt many a time. She didn't take any nonsense, and had regular emotional outburst which usually ending up with her losing her temper. She loved her children and brought us up the best she could, the emotional nurture wasn't there but we was fed and clothed even if it meant hiding our new clothes away from my new step dad because we couldn't afford them.

Anyway my mother died in my teens, i can’t say i was very upset, it was more of a relief then anything else the sicker she got the more bitter she became and the more i hid from her downstairs until i got the dread full call to come up stars to give her pills or make her something to eat.

After she died i felt so free, i had no parents to answer to and lost any contact with my real dad, my elder brother tried his best to bring us all up however he had his own stuff to deal with. I spent my teens drinking in parks, going with various different guys looking for love and cuddles and getting asked for a blowy instead. By the time i was 18 years old my friend suggested i go to university, i didn't understand it but filled out the form got into some university and tried my best bless me. I had experiences of lesbian friendships, jail bird men and drug dealers, i travelled to abandoned flats where drugs were being chopped up and distributed, and god only knows how I avoided getting raped or killed. I dabbled with smoking a bit of weed but alcohol was my main vice, it gave me confidence. By the time i reached my 2o's i managed to fuck up university gaining a third however i still went up on the stage and collected the honour, i cringe looking back now lol.

I was still very sociable and outgoing the failure didn't affect me as much at that time, i continue to deal with wasters and no hope rs still regularly seeing someone who i thought may offer me hope in the future throughout all the dregs and dealers. I once met up with someone who recently got out of jail for murder he had been in there for 9years from his teens, and even though i knew right from wrong and was not on any recreational drugs i still met with this guy and went to his house. He had an accident and was pulled over by the police as he was trying to get away from them because i was lost and couldn't find his house. Anyway when i got there he refused to acknowledge me, blaming me for him nearly getting nicked and injuring himself. He made me sleep on the floor that night, but i left through the middle of the night, something i have grown used to doing. That i remember was a low point for me i was working part time but had no aspiration for the future or hope and remember feeling very low and just wanting some love. I wouldn't turn to friends they saw me as a bubbly lively girl who was always up for fun, instead i turned to another looser. His name was warren he was a drug dealer who had recently got out of jail, he made me feel special, he felt i was educated a different from the other girls he had, i even met his granny lol. He started asking me to look after his weapons for him like his gun, but i wouldn't i guess that's why it didn't last lol. One day i was trying to look for his new flat he had moved into but i couldn't find it story of my life lool but it made him angry he marched outside the block in his dressing gown pulled me along shouting obscenities, when we got back to his place he grew even more angry and started waving a hammer at me, i was scared but luckily got him to calm down lol and we spent the afternoon with us getting high.

Warren soon disappeared once he knew i wasn't going to be his drugs mule or hide his weapons for him. I went through a period where i just went out, holidays with the girls and having fun. Throughout that time i still continue to see Mr educated i'll him, i would see him now and again he was a friend of a friend and pretty stable and normal especially compared to the others.

I then decided to make a conscious effort to stick to one guy and Mr educated seemed like that guy, he couldn't give me emotionally stability i never shared with him about my past but i do think he though i was a bit of a loud mouth lush lool.

Me and Mr educated got a little serious however i fell pregnant and he wasn’t very supportive, i grew slightly bitter towards him and felt like he didn’t want the baby with me because he thought i wasn’t good enough and wouldn’t fit into his educated family or lifestyle. I terminated the baby which was another trauma in its self they botched me up and couldn’t put me to sleep properly, i felt helpless as they pinned my down as legs started to kick out and the screams rained down i'll never forget that sucking noise and the long metal like hoover pole they insert in you to suck the baby, egg whatever you want to call it. Eventually i fell asleep the passed out one of the two. Experiences like this just make u stronger and more hardened to life’s cruel way of showing u its not all pink and fluffy. Anyway i got over it with a girly holiday where i met a lovely morocco boy who made me feel special without getting into my panties whilst i was away, however as the sun set and it was my last night i stupidly didnt bring my phone he didn’t have his, we had no pen or paper and his moped only had a small amount of petrol in it. We watched the sunset and said our goodbyes. And did see him again years later but i was a drunken mess and i think my lush behaviour put him off he never called. Me and Mr educated still kept in contact still saw each other but i became more hardened towards him and continued to look for mr right, caring and loving.

Another holiday later after i separated from mr educated some time later i met a politician (small time) he was running for mp or something along those lines in his area. On holiday he was a care free pill popping adventurer hence why he never wanted any pictures to be taken with him lool. By this time i felt more in control of my life and did not let men dictate to me, make me sleep on floors or wave hammers in my face lol. I felt like i ran the show and was in control; with Mr Mp we were both care free soles on the same sexual level however minus the pills for me. We went back to my hotel room and had amazing sex, he made me look in the mirror and look at myself and caressed. I had never been touched in a way like that, never made to feel like a real women who wasn’t just a sexual object to lay on and pump the good wood into me lool. Mr Mp and i didn’t exchange details i didn’t want to, i wanted to leave it as it was a holiday romance full of spear of the moment spontaneous fun. What he did make me realise was that i needed someone who was going to make me explore new horizons, make me feel like a new women, educate me and make sex connect with emotions and love.